Why I Wrote this Book

The events of the past few years have been so strange to me that I must force myself to study the story, like something I am learning from the outside in, like something that happened to someone else and it is important that I get the details right. It is like when I see a new consulting client, and their situation is quite complex, I sit down and create a timeline of the most relevant events. It is a helpful way to get all the facts in order.

I had never needed to use the technique on my own life. Nothing seemed complicated enough to warrant a diagram.

But now, my foggy mind is trying to grasp the events and place them into a logical order so that I can have some mastery over what has happened.

The basic facts are that my dad is dead and my brother is dead.

And, it all unraveled so very fast.

My dad died of esophageal cancer. He was 65. My brother died by suicide. He was 33. I lost them six months apart from each other. Six months to the day.

This book is about how those losses reshaped me.

Much of what I’ve written here is not at all unique to my family. All of us will lose our parents someday. Most of us will face cancer, some of us will face addiction or mental illness in ourselves or in those we love. All of us will grapple with the universal presence of death.

As a psychologist with a specialized training in helping folks with trauma and traumatic loss, I’ve thought a lot about grief over the past twenty years. This season of my life has moved all of that expertise from my head to my heart. This book is about feeling and being.

And it is very much about the people that I loved.

My dad’s name was Tim. He grew up in Indiana but built his family and life in Northern California. He taught me to enthusiastically love things: the 49ers, Golden Retrievers, motorcycles, well-cooked BBQ, the feel of cold lake water on a quiet Saturday morning, the scent of redwoods…

He was hard-working, faithful and he laughed loudly. He wasn’t perfect, but all told, he was a pretty good dad.

My brother, Dave, loved natural beauty. He worked and played in the Whiskeytown National Recreation Area, Lassen National Park, Big Sky Montana, Yellowstone National Park and Glacier National Park. He was a river raft guide, cross-country skier, cycler, kayaker, and back-country hiker. He had a deep respect for wildlife and desire to protect the wild spaces that gave him so much joy.

He had a gentle spirit and was helpful and kind. He had sparkly, bright blue eyes.

A love story.

Although this book is largely about grief and death, it is also a love story. It is a love story from a daughter to a father and a sister to a brother and a mother to her children. It is the story of how I found little bits of love and wisdom scattered around my life to serve as trail markers to lead me out of the darkest hallows of grief. Sometimes these crumbs were left by my family and friends and sometimes by strangers, authors, and other professionals.

And lastly, most importantly, it is a love story from me to you. From my broken heart to yours. Although perhaps we’ve never met, one grieving heart recognizes another and I honor those tender parts of you just as I’ve learned to honor them in myself.

I hope that these words will function like a messy, hand-drawn map. There is no precise, GPS for getting through grief. And truth be told, we never arrive on the other side. It is a landscape we live in now. But, I’m doing my best to leave you sketches so that you’ll have an idea for how to find your way in this new land.

Why I Wrote this Book

This book is about how those losses reshaped me.

A love story.

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